Who's the Fore'?

Lou:

Every time I come watch the Morris dancing, you know, every time I'd ask you about the team, you would never tell me.

Bud:

Yes I did...

Lou:

No you didn't!

Bud:

Yes I did!

Lou:

Now, you gotta tell me about the team, so that when I see 'em perform, I'll know who they are.

Bud:

Well, I told you before, they all have strange names...

Lou:

Well, you tell me their names.

Bud:

Well, all right, let's see for officers, there's: Who's the Fore', What's the Squire, I Don't Know's the Shepherd...

Lou:

(Cutting him off) That's the same thing you gave me before, I'm still trying to find out!

Bud:

It's the same names!

Lou:

(Sigh) All right, now who's the Fore'?

Bud:

Yes.

Lou:

Well, go ahead and tell me.

Bud:

Who.

Lou:

The dancer who's Fore'.

Bud:

Who!

Lou:

The fellow who's Foreman!

Bud:

Who's the Foreman!

Lou:

Why do you keep asking me?

Bud:

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

Lou:

Well I'm asking you; who's the Fore'?

Bud:

That's right.

Lou:

So, go ahead and tell me.

Bud:

Who.

Lou:

The dancer who's Foreman.

Bud:

Who.

Lou:

The Foreman.

Bud:

That's the man's name.

Lou:

(sigh) It's the same as always, only worse.

Bud:

Aw no, we got a contract with him now.

Lou:

You got a contract with who?

Bud:

Yeah, absolutely.

Lou:

So who signed the contract?

Bud:

Well, certainly. It'd be no good unless he signed it!

Lou:

Unless who signed it?

Bud:

Yes.

Lou:

Now look, somebody's gotta sign the contract, now who signed it!?

Bud:

That's right.

Lou:

(Sigh) All I'm trying to find out is: what's the dancer's name who's Fore'?

Bud:

Oh, no, wait a minute, What's the dancer's name who's Squire.

Lou:

I'm not asking you who's Squire.

Bud:

Who's the Fore'.

Lou:

One dancer at a time!

Bud:

Well, stop trying to change them around.

Lou:

I'm not trying to change anyone around. I'm only asking you what's the dancer's name who's Fore'?

Bud:

But I'm telling you, What's the dancer's name who's Squire.

Lou:

I'm not asking you who's Squire.

Bud:

Who's the Fore'.

Lou:

I don't know.

Bud:

She's the Shepherd, now we're not talking about her.

Lou:

How'd I get to the Shepherd?

Bud:

You mentioned her name.

Lou:

If I mentioned the Shepherd's name, who did I say was the Shepherd?

Bud:

No, Who's the Fore'.

Lou:

Stay away from the Foreman, will ya!? Now, what's the dancer's name who's the Shepherd?

Bud:

What's the Squire.

Lou:

Who's the Squire.

Bud:

Who's the Fore'.

Lou:

I don't know.

Bud:

She's the Shepherd.

Lou:

(Throws his hand in the air) There I go, back at the Shepherd.

Bud:

Well, I can't change their names.

Lou:

Now look; let's you and I talk about the Shepherd, see, and no one else!

Bud:

All right. What is it you wanted to know?

Lou:

Who's the Shepherd?

Bud:

(Pause) Why do you insist on making Who the Shepherd?

Lou:

Who am I making the Shepherd?

Bud:

Yes, but we don't want her there.

Lou:

You don't want who there?

Bud:

No.

Lou:

So, what's the dancer's name that belongs there?

Bud:

No, What's the Squire.

Lou:

I'm not asking you who's the Squire?

Bud:

Who's the Fore'.

Lou:

I don't know.

Lou/Bud:

(Together) The Shepherd!

Lou:

(Pause/sigh) Have you got any characters?

Bud:

Well, certainly.

Lou:

And the Fool's name?

Bud:

Why.

Lou:

Oh, I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

Bud:

Well, I'd just thought I'd tell you.

Lou:

So go ahead and tell me, who's the Fool.

Bud:

Who's the Fore'!

Lou:

Stay away from the officers, will ya? I wanna know what's the Fool's name?

(The following should be said very fast, speeding up until Lou almost beats Bud to the "The Shepherd" line).

Bud:

No, What's the Squire.

Lou:

I'm not asking you who's the Squire?

Bud:

Who's the Fore'.

Lou:

I don't know.

Bud/Lou:

(Together) The Shepherd.

Lou:

(Angry now) And the Fool's name?

Bud:

Why!

Lou:

Because!

Bud:

No, he's the Betty! Come on, you know these dancers as well as I do.

Lou:

(Sigh, Pause) Have you got any musicians on the team?

Bud:

Wouldn't this be a fine team without musicians.

Lou:

And the box player's name?

Bud:

Tomorrow.

Lou:

You don't want to tell me today?

Bud:

I'm tellin' you man.

Lou:

Go ahead.

Bud:

Tomorrow.

Lou:

What time?

Bud:

What time, what?

Lou:

What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's playing box.

Bud:

(Finally angry in return) Now listen, Who in not playing box. Who's the...

Lou:

(Cutting him off) I'll break your arm you say "who's the Fore'"!

Bud:

(Backing off) All right, all right, have it your own way.

Lou:

Look, all I wanna know what's the box player's name?

Bud:

What's the Squire.

Lou:

(Interrupting) I don't know.

Bud/Lou:

(Together) The Shepherd.

Lou:

Have you got a drummer?

Bud:

Sure.

Lou:

And the drummer's name?

Bud:

Today.

Lou:

Today.

Bud:

That's right.

Lou:

And Tomorrow's playin' box.

Bud:

(Happy) Now you've got it.

Lou:

(Doing a slow boil) Now I've got it? All we got is a couple of days on the team. A couple of days...

Bud:

(Cutting him off before he blows) Hey, don't get excited.

Lou:

(Finally blowing) Who's getting excited!!!

Bud:

Take it easy there.

Lou:

(Puffing to calm down - long pause) I'm a pretty good drummer myself, you know.

Bud:

So they tell me.

Lou:

So I'm drumming, see, and Tomorrow's playing box, and the 'Fore is teaching a new dance. Now, me being a good drummer and all I want to make sure the set's the way the 'Fore wants it. So, I check with who?

Bud:

Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Lou:

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Bud:

Well, that's all you have to do.

Lou:

I check to make sure the set's ready.

Bud:

Yes.

Lou:

Then who do I check with?

Bud:

Naturally.

Lou:

(Slowly, growing out of a sense that he has finally got something nailed down) If I check whether the set's ready, somebody's gotta be responsible. Now, who's responsible?

Bud:

Naturally.

Lou:

Who is?

Bud:

Naturally.

Lou:

Naturally.

Bud:

Naturally.

Lou:

Naturally.

Bud:

There, that's all there is to it.

Lou:

(Thinking he finally understands) So, I check with Naturally.

Bud:

No you don't! You check with the Foreman.

Lou:

And that's who?

Bud:

Naturally.

Lou:

That's what I'm saying!

Bud:

I'm not saying that.

Lou:

When I check that the set's ready, I check with who?

Bud:

Naturally.

Lou:

Now you ask me.

Bud:

All right. You check that the set's ready, then who lets you know?

Lou:

Naturally.

Bud:

Stop saying that!

Lou:

Same as you!!!

Bud:

No, no, no, no, you see...

Lou:

(Cutting him off) When I check that the set's ready, who lets me know?

Bud:

Naturally.

Lou:

He better let me know.

Bud:

All right.

Lou:

Another dance is being taught. This is a six person dance using Because. Why, I Don't Know, she's the Shepherd, and I don't give a darn.

Bud:

What's that?

Lou:

I said "I don't give a darn".

Bud:

Oh, that's our Hobby.

Lou:

(Moan)